RQ: Building Relationship Intelligence: Part Three: “Interpersonal Relationships”
In
this third section we discuss male and female relationships, stages of
intimacy, and how people often get stuck in earlier stages. We also
examine different components of love, and how people often “sell
themselves short” and what current scientific research says about male
and female differences and marriage.
Male/female
attraction and relationships are rewarding, important parts of life!
But differences between the sexes can lead to misunderstanding and
frustration. Understanding and accepting gender differences can help to
reduce misunderstandings and damage to relationships.
On average, females are more verbal at an earlier age. They
are usually more concerned about nurturing relationships and
communicating feelings. On average, boys are more aggressive,
goal-oriented and solution-oriented. Despite these trends, we all have
elements of opposite gender characteristics and would do well to
develop these as well.
Learning to appreciate and respect our differing strengths
is an important part of building real relationships and achieving real,
lasting intimacy.
Example
of winning the lottery or receiving inheritance- two kinds of people,
those who invest for the future, those who tend to spend everything
right now.
All of us have received six things which are far more valuable than a million dollars:
Our health
Our mind or intellect
Our heart or ability to feel and to love
Our will which allows us to take action
Our conscience, or our awareness of right and wrong, sense of ethics
Our sexuality, the fact that we are born male or female with
all the attractions and the potential to create new life. (Use
“Priceless Gifts” slide)
Complete “5 Star” sexuality includes five parts, not just the physical one. These include:
Intellectual: talking, sharing thoughts, hopes, plans, sense of
humor, way of looking at the world, ability to see future benefits, not
just immediate pleasure.
Issue of personal space. We usually have close physical
contact and hugging within a family. Also, girls hug each other and
guys slap each other on the back, but what about physical contact
between guys and girls? Do you let just anyone touch you?
Emotional: sharing feelings, heart, truly caring about someone’s longterm well-being and happiness
Social: involves getting to know each other’s families. With
sexual intercourse potentially creating a new human being and a new
family related to and merging the two lineages (father’s and mother’s
sides)
Moral/Spiritual: all actions have a motivation expressing a
greater or lesser degree of selfishness or selflessness. Love, in its
true sense, is inherently moral, and sacrifices itself for those we
love and focuses on the other’s well-being more than one’s one. Also,
spiritually based beliefs about the meaning of sexual expression.
Physical: includes feelings of attraction. Eventually
fulfilling nature’s purpose to have species reproduce through coming
together of mature man and woman in sexual union. Includes possible
negative consequences if not in committed, lifelong relationship
between two people who have prepared adequately.
Study at University of Louisville in Kentucky found that good
character is more important than good looks or a high income for women
seeking a potential mate. Good character included: honesty, kindness,
dependability, and willingness to listen.
To achieve anything in life, self-control is important. This
is especially true in man/woman relationship because sexuality is
powerful. If used in right way at right time it can to lead to joy and
new life. If used selfishly or irresponsibly to can lead to pain and
regret.
Windows and Boundaries
We want to protect things that are valuable with boundaries. Your
own body has a boundary called your skin. A second line of defense is
your immune system of white blood cells which checks the genetic “I.D”
of anything in your blood stream to see if they belong there. If not,
the germ gets attacked!
What about protecting something as
valuable as your mind or heart? Don’t these deserve a line of
protection? We need to choose what we allow into our minds and hearts.
Can’t always control what billboards and magazine ads and TV shows are
created, but we can control what we choose to look at and to dwell
upon. You can’t control whether birds fly over your head, but you don’t
have to let them build a nest in your hair!
Issue of personal space. We usually have close physical
contact and hugging within a family. Also, girls hug each other and
guys slap each other on the back, but what about physical contact
between guys and girls? Do you let just anyone touch you?
Society
used to have clear standards. But our sexualized culture treats girls
and women as sex objects. They allow themselves to be treated as such
because they believe it is expected of them. If a boy says something
nice or spends some money on them some girls feel obligated to have
sex. Why do they feel this way? How could they change?
Boys/men
also suffer from loss of boundaries. Many fear their masculinity will
be challenged and they’ll be called names if they don’t have sex.
Should they let their fear coerce them into acting in a way they know
is wrong? Who is the real man? The one who takes something that really
doesn’t belong to him or the one who unselfishly decides that sexual
intimacy with a girl belongs to her future husband?
Setting Boundaries. Two thirds of teens in one survey said
it was okay for a boy to force sex on a girl if they’d been dating for
more than six months. A large number said it was okay if the boy/man
had spent a lot of money on her. One in three said it was okay if the
girl had been sexually active before. Discuss.
Part of problem is
male/female differences in sexual arousal. A couple who want to avoid
“going too far” would be wise to set limits in advance, limits that are
a good way before the point of “no return” for both partners.
Media
uses sexual images to sell products, TV shows, video games, etc. Men
and women are victimized by this media but also contribute by consuming
these media products. We all need to become more discerning about what
it truly means to build a loving man/woman relationship. Otherwise we
collaborate in creating a culture which reduces men and women to the
status of objects to be used and discarded, rather than full-fledged
human beings.
Sexual
attraction and union is the way that most of the animal and plant world
reproduce. Biologists say that sex operates like a grand lottery that
eliminates genes with bad mutations. While nature leads all living
things to reproduce, it’s very helpful to understand the stages of
intimacy.
The first stage, attraction, involves elements such as
physical appearance expressing health, strength, fertility, sense of
humor, intelligence, social status, chemicals called pheromones, and
unconscious, psychological elements from childhood. It’s important to
realize that you can be attracted to someone who may or may not be good
for you to have a relationship with.
In the second stage of intimacy, infatuation, you are more
that attracted, you are obsessed!Thoughts of your beloved fill your
mind. You feel the joy of “falling in love.” You are on “Cloud Nine.”
Use “Cloud Nine” slide. The trouble is that when you fall in love in
this way, you are on drugs, natural amphetamines that give you a
feeling of elation as well as higher levels of testosterone, increasing
sexual desire.
How good is your judgment when you’re in a drug-induced
intoxication? Questions to think about when you’re infatuated listed on
page 83.
The brain becomes habituated to a drug after several weeks
or months and the excitement starts to wear off. Many couples turn to
sex to regain the excitement. Sex becomes a substitute for real
intimacy. Use “Sex can become a substitute for real intimacy” and
“Cloud 9.5” slides.
Read
and discuss Selection from the Velveteen Rabbit on the nature of
lasting love or Connection, the third stage of intimacy. Some people
never get to this third stage. They are “romance junkies” and when the
feelings of infatuation die off as they must, they break up and look
for someone else. Too bad. They are missing a deeper form of love
beyond passion/infatuation, which involves a transition to mutual
affirmation and acceptance.
Use “When Romance Dies, Love Can Begin” and “Connection/Cloud 10” Slides.
Activities
Read excerpt from “Gift of the Magi.”
Read excerpt from “Velveteen Rabbit.”
Discuss answers to Questions
Lesson Twelve “The Fourth Stage of Intimacy: Caretaking”
In
the fourth stage of intimacy, caretaking, we have a chance to
experience the deepest stage of intimacy, sacrificing and taking care
of another human being. If the couple has married they have made a
commitment not only to each other, but also to any children who might
be born as a result of sexual love. Use “Caretaking/Cloud 20” slides
The readiness and capability of a couple to care for
children is crucial because children make many demands for the time,
attention, mature love and resources of their parents. Use “Stages of
Intimacy and Love” Slide. Sharing sexual love before achieving the
stage of connection (typically through marriage) and being capable to
fulfill the caretaking role is tragic because it often leads to the
birth of children who lack committed, mature parents.
Activities
Read second selection from Charlotte’s Web, “The Father of My Country,”
Story
of “The Two Hundred Dollar Mountain Bike” leads into a discussion of
the importance of setting the right value not just on physical things
you own, but on oneself. People will treat us according to the value we
place on ourselves.
Sexuality can be treated as a commodity to be bought and sold, but most people agree this is degrading.
Purpose of sex is not just pleasure, but to communicate value.
Just as you don’t lend something you really value to someone you don’t
know well, you don’t want to give away the precious gift of your
sexuality to someone who will not respect it.
Many people take a “feelings-based” approach to issues of
sexuality, but the real costs of such an approach may not be apparent
until later in much the same way that uncontrolled credit card use or
use of alcohol or drug use may not appear until later.
Analogy of the way one uses a large inheritance of money
either to spend just on things won’t last or to invest for the future.
Low commitment relationships are like renting something you’ll never
own. High commitment relationships are like investing in something that
you will own when the payments are done.
Dealing with Sexual Feelings- Different ways including
redirecting sexual energy into other interests or getting to know
someone you feel attraction to in nonsexual ways.
Ann Landers letter about “Spotting a potential abuser”
Although
most young people say they do plan to get married someday, many don’t
see the connection between their current actions, habits, and attitudes
and their future marital success. It’s important to get accurate
information about marriage and correct misconceptions.
For instance, many men and women think that just living
together is a good way to find out if someone is a good marital
partner, but research shows that on average couples who just live
together are less happy, have lower quality marriages, and a higher
risk of divorce than couples who get married without living together.
Use “Living Together-A Test Run? , “Cohabitation is not preparation for
marriage,” and “More Domestic Violence among Cohabitors”slides.
Benefits of marriage: lower rates of domestic violence,
better physical and emotional health, longer life expectancy, lower use
of drugs and alcohol, more sexual fulfillment, and higher rates of
savings and wealth. Use “Marriage enhances health,” “Most comprehensive
U.S. sex survey ever,” and “Marriage-haven for growth, healing” slides.
While marriage has many benefits, marrying for the wrong
reasons can lead to unhappiness and marital failure. Marrying to escape
an unpleasant situation or in the belief that “my spouse (Mr. or Ms.
Right) will make me whole” is unrealistic and very unlikely to lead to
your happiness or success in marriage.
Predictors of Marital Success include: 1) Realistic
Expectations, 2) Positive Personality Traits, 3) Communication Skills,
4) Ability to Resolve Conflict, 5) Religious Orientation. Use
“Predictors of Marital Success” slide.
Psychologists have developed a three part and a four part
model of love: passion, intimacy (ability to communicate one’s thoughts
and feelings), commitment and compatibility (shared interests, faith,
moral values, etc.) Use “House of Love” and “What is intimacy” slides.
Activities
Take “What’s Your Love IQ? test
Take “Are You a Good Match?” test
Discuss answers to Questionsfor Reflection
Participation Activity: “Just two on the blanket?”
Ask
for volunteers, six female and six male. Tell the following story:
“Brad and Jenny are both students at high school. They are deeply in
love and think that maybe someday they will get married. Brad is a very
successful athlete and has received a full scholarship to attend
college next year. Jenny is very artistic and wants to go to art school
and thinks that someday she and Brad will get married and have three
kids and live in a big house in the country. (Brad and Jenny sit down
at front of blanket) But, Brad forgot to mention to Jenny that last
year before Jenny moved into town, Brad went out with Allison for
several months. They thought they were in love and went ahead and had
sex. (Allison gets on the blanket in back of Brad) Allison never told
Brad that during her close friendship with Mike before that, they
shared sexual intimacy. (Mike gets on blanket next to Allison) The year
before this Mike went to a party where alcohol was being served and he
didn’t want to be ‘uncool’ so he got a little drunk as did Michelle and
they had sex (Michelle gets on blanket).
Now Jenny, last year
before she moved into town, had a boyfriend named Dan who was real good
looking and popular at her school. He took her out to the prom and went
to a party afterwards where people were drinking alcohol. Jenny didn’t
want to appear immature in front of Dan and his friends, so she drank a
few glasses. Many got drunk and had sex including Dan and Jenny (Dan
gets on blanket behind Jenny). Dan had a lot of girlfriends with whom
he’d had sex (bring Mary, Jean and Sarah onto the blanket). They all
had boyfriends with whom they’d had sex. (3 boys get on blanket).
You
can see that Brad and Jenny are definitely not alone on the blanket!
And the different sexual contacts had a few consequences. It turns out
that Mary had some problems with painful sores in the genital area that
she felt too embarrassed to tell anyone about, but finally she went to
a doctor to get a genital exam and a blood test which revealed she was
infected with the incurable herpes virus. So everyone on her side of
the blanket needs to get a genital examination and blood test but
because she is too embarrassed to tell anyone no one knows they might
be infected or could be become infected with the incurable herpes virus
which has destroyed some marriages and can cause quite a bit of
physical and emotional suffering.
Also, it turns out that a
few months ago Sarah began to have pain in her abdominal area and went
to the gynecologist who discovered that she had a serious infection
with Chlamydia which can lead to sterility if not treated in time. She
is taking antibiotics but is too ashamed to tell any of the boys she
had sex with or their partners so that they could get tested and
treated with antibiotics.
Also, Allison got pregnant and
decided to keep the child. Since Brad is no longer paying attention to
her, she’s thinking of suing him and forcing him to support her and the
child. Brad is worried he will lose his athletic scholarship and,
instead of going to college, have to stay home and get a job to support
Allison and their son, Tommy, who is just six months old.
Ask
students to not just consider these consequences. Ask them what were
the moral and character issues that were dealt with badly by the
students. Analyze the relationships fromt the viewpoint of 5 star
sexuality. List on the blackboard: lying or failing to tell the truth
by omission, endangering another person’s health and future, causing
someone to become a single parent so lack of concern about another’s
well-being.
Scenario 2: Seven
male and seven female students. Tim and Alicia (get on the blanket)
like each other a lot and are attracted to each other. Tim is a
talented musician and wants to go to a music school. Alicia loves
science and is thinking of going to medical school and taking care of
people who have no medical care in Africa. They are thinking that
someday they want to get married, but know that they have to wait a few
years and that they may end up marrying someone else, so they’ve
decided to set limits on their relationship by not drinking alcohol and
by not having sex or being in situations where that could happen. Both
of them go to college. Alicia meets Frank at college who’s also
interested in medicine. They fall in love and decide they do want to
get married. Tim meets Cindy at Music School and they fall in love and
decide they want to get married and record CD’s together. By
coincidence both couples get married in the same month at the same
hotel. They invite the rest of their close friends to their wedding as
part of the wedding ceremony and party. The rest of students get up on
the blanket. Did any of these students endanger the physical or
emotional well-being of others or themselves? Did any of them have to
deal with guilt about failing to tell about previous sexual partners
and the possible consequences of that?
These two wedding couples are starting their marriages with a clean slate, not bringing in a lot of old baggage.
